bump

so the other day i was changing to get ready and i saw this lump on my chest
like right in the middle below my bust
and i kinda felt it and looked to see if maybe i was looking wrong and maybe it was on both sides
so i asked my sister to come look at it, and she made me go show my mom
i started crying, i don't even know why
i guess i got scared to see a lump on my chest that's obviously not supposed to be there
so, we showed our friend
and my mom is taking me to the doctor soon..she makes the appointment on tuesday
it doesnt hurt, but it is definitely there
so please just pray about the appointment, and that eveyything is ok...
no matter what, God's got this

what to say....??

right now...
i'm having a super rough time.
so my "boyfriend" persay...
wants me to go to his youth group tonight..
(and this is kinda a stupid story, so y'all can scroll down to where i talk about other things if you don't wanna hear about my boy problems.)
and i thought i could convince my mom that i could go tonight before today.
but i couldn't and so here i sit...
we'll call my guy... "prince" and he still thinks i'm going //tonight\\
and i have nooooooo idea whatsoever about what to do..
he will be so madddd if he finds out i can't go,
this is why
see....we want to get back together (breakup is a long long story)
and the one thing he is making us do is go to his youth group together
and then tomorrow we would have started dating....big suprise i can't go right?!
wrong.
so i don't even know what to tell him, because sooner or later he is going to find out when i don't show up tonight.
so.....
i thought about pretending to text him as my mom and say i am sick, or to text him and say we've had a family emergency....
but then my friend told me
"if he loves you, he can't be mad at you, he might be upset, but he will need to get over it"
and she's right.
i can't let him get me like this
i should be open and honest with him about everything...after all he is my best friend
i need to be able to tell him anything....
so enough of my boy problems!

//my back has been soooooo bad lately.
i woke up at like 4:30 am this morning and was just crying because i couldn't do
ANYTHING to make the pain go away.
everything i did made it hurt worse.
when i got to school i couldn't even write...
the pain was THAT intense
all day i pushed and pushed through this terrible pain
crying out to God
fake smiling all day
pretending i was okay and that everything was just jim dandy!
inside i was screaming from pain!
crying as i walk away from people who look at that fake smile and believe it.
stretching and massaging alllllll day long.
and my day TOTALLY relied on God..
all these little issues..
God-depending!
faith-strengthning!
deep-loving
whole heartedly
amazing love.

Super man

do you have a hero?
a true model?
someone who you know if you were in trouble they would save you?
i do.
jesus.
he saves us from ourelves EACH DAY..
amazing.
ya...there's a guy in my life...
but hes like my...
captain america.
but Jesus....
HES MY SUPERMAN!!!!!
he Saved me!
he Saves me.
he will Always Save me.
captain america can't save me..
he can help me, not save me from sin.
and you know what just completly
AMAZES ME?!
is that God is sooooooo much more than superman actually,
he is soooo much more<33
everyday i struggle..
with sin
with pain
with choices
with everything.
but my superman continues to be there, to save me, to love me.
to be super.
an NO ONE ELSE will do that
sure, people are there for me everyday
but can they save me from myself?
or make my heart clean as snow?
nope!
can Jesus?!?
HE SURE CAN!!!!<33
so...
when tomorrow i am hurting
from pain
from sin
and from everything else...guess who will save me?
superman! MY super man!!!1
EACH DAY!!!!! amazing right?!?!
wow....
God has definately worked in my life just this week
my "captain america" (that's what we'll call him)
was in a car accident last night
//i was soooooo scared! i was worried to DEATH!!!!!
because
........i know that shock....pain....horror...
its the scariest moment ever in your life.
your life flashes before your eyes.
scary.
i was soooo scared.
"Jesus be with him. keep him safe. help him heal"
i cried and cried
i could have NEVER been happier to see him this morning.
i was FULL of joy!!!!!
my superman was truly super last night....
what would i do without my "captain america?!"
how much different would my day would have been if last night was different?
i'm so thankful!!!!!
i'm so overjoyed!
because i don't want him to have to go through what i go through EVERYDAY!!
EVERYDAY i have terrible terrible pain
everyday i have to make the choice to push through that terrible pain
and if he had to go through that...i would feel like...horrible
because i DO NOT want him going through that because to tell you the truth
ITS TERRIBLE.
HORRIBLE.
HORRENDOUS
LIFE HARDENING
TRUST FAILING
FAITH BUILDING
FAITH FALLING
EMOTIONS ALL OVER
and if he and i BOTH had to go through that....unimaginable
but my superman is so much greater than this pain
than this scariness.
than these horrible days
and long nights
and forced tears from pain
and He conqures.
"I am more victorious through Him who loves me"
amazing love!
my superman truly is SUPER!!!!!!

The hurt and the healer

I'm the hurt
He is the healer.
Gosh. I don't even know where to start!
Wow....I'm like making my thumbs dance because I have noooooo idea what to say...there is SO much.
I can honestly say how lousy of a friend I am.
I neglect those I care about!
I have really been working on being there for my friends. Sometimes with some people i only talk to them when I needed to cry or complain....
I was seeking selfish benefit from these relationships, and now I see
That I REALLY need to look at hat God will get out of the relationship
This summer I read A TONN of relationship books...godly relationships,
And the main message was this:
Keep God at the center of the relationship.
Be Christ- minded in the relationship
And really that made me look at all my friendships and say "what is God getting out of this"
Instead of
What can Cassidy get out of this. L
And really I encourage y'all to take a look at EVERY SINGLE relationship you have weather it be dating, friends, sisters....every one
And ask yourself.....what is God writing out of this?
And be honest.
This really built my relationships to be stronger and more Christ-based

unknown

wow. today was such a bad day.
the whole day i was in pain and VERY not happy...
usually i can push through anything and put on a happy face,
but today was DEFINIATELY not one of those days
I felt like crying a good portion of the day, and didn't want to be with anyone
except my best friend
i had to give a speech in english and i was shaking so bad...
i skipped breakfast and didn't eat enough lunch and drank little water
well when i sat down i felt a rush of pain through my head basically all the way down
it was terrible...
one class to go
study hall...my loudest, by far most obnixous class.
i had to do geometry homework, and really, that was the LAST thing I wanted to do
my head was NOT up for that.
thankfully, one of my friends was there to help me figure out this confusing math situation
and i got it done in no longer than 20 minutes.
then i basically sat through the class. talking to friends, listening to music, playing games
but my eyes kept watching that clock, calculating how many minutes this torture would go on
oy! buy my headache did NOT go away.
lately
people at school have been picking on me...and my best friend.
and saying mean, vulgar things...
i know i shouldn't be letting such silly things get to me,
but I'm not gonna lie
they totally get to me..a lot
and i pray..."God forgive them, for they know not what they are doing"
sometimes i say this aloud, or just in my heart.
but i mean it either way
i know these kids probably have nothing better to do, so they make fun of us...or say mean things
so i try and remember... they are not you...they don't have your life,
which, sometimes is hard.
i found myself yelling at my friends at lunch today because i was so angry.
but they know me and told me "Cassidy, just eat your goldfish"
haha
that shut me up real quick
well, a long walk home later,
i came home,
ate
and fell asleep on my "bed"
and from there i drifted in and out of sleep between texts, and chores
i was exhausted! all i want to do is take a warm shower and go to bed
thankfully i had no more homework to work on...
but knowing i have to face tomorrow with equal or greater pain is hard
i wish i didn't have this great pain
i wish i could go to school and not have to worry about not being able to get up from the floor during team building
or writing too much and i start to go numb
its funny,
i sound like an old grandma here....
but all this pain...its real
nothing really gets realer.
but knowing I have a God that can take away that pain
and replace it with amazing love.
that just KICKED the real pain's butt.
His real just got realest.
His love is amazing and steady.
and I have no idea how tomorrow will look
or what next year will look like
but i know that no matter what happens, my God is real
my God is forever
my God is PERFECT
wow.
how amazing right?
to know that through TERRIBLE, greif stricken pain...
God is there...fighting with me
my God is AWESOME!!!
man, the things He has done for me today, through the pain...the other kids....everything
HE is always at work! <3

Pins and Needles

So...
my neck and back pain have gotten really bad...
and if y'all know Jessica, you know her story. (see Jess' blog: www.generationstandup.blogspot.com
but I find myself relating myself to her pain more and more
each day
she has been having bad head pains,
well that's how bad mine have gotten...
every morning when i get to school I get this headache
and it feels like someone is sticking pins and needles in my head
and then it goes away in like 4 hours...its really weird!
but i just start praying that God would take the pain away
and by lunch its all gone,  which is good cuz lunch time with my friends
is something I value.

being at a public school..
you see pretty much everyone from every kind of walk of life
one girl at 14/15 was pregnant and lost her baby, and ended up in rehab
the one kid that smokes....you can smell it on him
the boy from my class is wearing eyeliner and tries to talk to me....
that girl has been with 12 different guys in the last week..
her parents just got a divorce.
his house just burned down in the fire...
you see everything...
people in different walks of life, and it really opens your eyes
personally, i am terrible at being quick to judge and looking down on people
because of their differences.
i have gotten better, but it still happens
but really, for me, its hard not to judge, because i have parents who raised me well
they don't tolerate drugs, or babies.....
but some of these kid's parents aren't even around
so they don't have someone to guide them and tell them what's right and wrong
and i can't even imagine what they have to go through each day
i have tried to have a big heart for these kids who don't know what right and wrong is
or if they do, but don't care
I have tried loving them and showing that what a girl OF GOD looks like
truly, I pray, that I get to these kids and show them what they SHOULD be doing
i'm not saying i'm perfect, but i am trying to follow the path of life God has for me
not one I made for myself
and that really makes me sad
is that these kids think they run their own lives,they have no regard for what God wants
what His plan is for them
they want what THEY want
and what THEIR plan is.
and this breaks my heart terribly.
and I remember that I should be able to sit on pins and needles,
and still be able to pray for them and know "God is working on them"
"He has a plan in their lives"
because, that could be me...
it could be my best friend...
it could be my sister....
but its them,
and God is working in miraculous ways!
pins and needles are the least of my worries.

Tons of pictures...

Stories of my summer and first days of school....don't ask about the squirrel....I killed it by running it over with a golf cart....