what to say....??

right now...
i'm having a super rough time.
so my "boyfriend" persay...
wants me to go to his youth group tonight..
(and this is kinda a stupid story, so y'all can scroll down to where i talk about other things if you don't wanna hear about my boy problems.)
and i thought i could convince my mom that i could go tonight before today.
but i couldn't and so here i sit...
we'll call my guy... "prince" and he still thinks i'm going //tonight\\
and i have nooooooo idea whatsoever about what to do..
he will be so madddd if he finds out i can't go,
this is why
see....we want to get back together (breakup is a long long story)
and the one thing he is making us do is go to his youth group together
and then tomorrow we would have started dating....big suprise i can't go right?!
wrong.
so i don't even know what to tell him, because sooner or later he is going to find out when i don't show up tonight.
so.....
i thought about pretending to text him as my mom and say i am sick, or to text him and say we've had a family emergency....
but then my friend told me
"if he loves you, he can't be mad at you, he might be upset, but he will need to get over it"
and she's right.
i can't let him get me like this
i should be open and honest with him about everything...after all he is my best friend
i need to be able to tell him anything....
so enough of my boy problems!

//my back has been soooooo bad lately.
i woke up at like 4:30 am this morning and was just crying because i couldn't do
ANYTHING to make the pain go away.
everything i did made it hurt worse.
when i got to school i couldn't even write...
the pain was THAT intense
all day i pushed and pushed through this terrible pain
crying out to God
fake smiling all day
pretending i was okay and that everything was just jim dandy!
inside i was screaming from pain!
crying as i walk away from people who look at that fake smile and believe it.
stretching and massaging alllllll day long.
and my day TOTALLY relied on God..
all these little issues..
God-depending!
faith-strengthning!
deep-loving
whole heartedly
amazing love.

Super man

do you have a hero?
a true model?
someone who you know if you were in trouble they would save you?
i do.
jesus.
he saves us from ourelves EACH DAY..
amazing.
ya...there's a guy in my life...
but hes like my...
captain america.
but Jesus....
HES MY SUPERMAN!!!!!
he Saved me!
he Saves me.
he will Always Save me.
captain america can't save me..
he can help me, not save me from sin.
and you know what just completly
AMAZES ME?!
is that God is sooooooo much more than superman actually,
he is soooo much more<33
everyday i struggle..
with sin
with pain
with choices
with everything.
but my superman continues to be there, to save me, to love me.
to be super.
an NO ONE ELSE will do that
sure, people are there for me everyday
but can they save me from myself?
or make my heart clean as snow?
nope!
can Jesus?!?
HE SURE CAN!!!!<33
so...
when tomorrow i am hurting
from pain
from sin
and from everything else...guess who will save me?
superman! MY super man!!!1
EACH DAY!!!!! amazing right?!?!
wow....
God has definately worked in my life just this week
my "captain america" (that's what we'll call him)
was in a car accident last night
//i was soooooo scared! i was worried to DEATH!!!!!
because
........i know that shock....pain....horror...
its the scariest moment ever in your life.
your life flashes before your eyes.
scary.
i was soooo scared.
"Jesus be with him. keep him safe. help him heal"
i cried and cried
i could have NEVER been happier to see him this morning.
i was FULL of joy!!!!!
my superman was truly super last night....
what would i do without my "captain america?!"
how much different would my day would have been if last night was different?
i'm so thankful!!!!!
i'm so overjoyed!
because i don't want him to have to go through what i go through EVERYDAY!!
EVERYDAY i have terrible terrible pain
everyday i have to make the choice to push through that terrible pain
and if he had to go through that...i would feel like...horrible
because i DO NOT want him going through that because to tell you the truth
ITS TERRIBLE.
HORRIBLE.
HORRENDOUS
LIFE HARDENING
TRUST FAILING
FAITH BUILDING
FAITH FALLING
EMOTIONS ALL OVER
and if he and i BOTH had to go through that....unimaginable
but my superman is so much greater than this pain
than this scariness.
than these horrible days
and long nights
and forced tears from pain
and He conqures.
"I am more victorious through Him who loves me"
amazing love!
my superman truly is SUPER!!!!!!

The hurt and the healer

I'm the hurt
He is the healer.
Gosh. I don't even know where to start!
Wow....I'm like making my thumbs dance because I have noooooo idea what to say...there is SO much.
I can honestly say how lousy of a friend I am.
I neglect those I care about!
I have really been working on being there for my friends. Sometimes with some people i only talk to them when I needed to cry or complain....
I was seeking selfish benefit from these relationships, and now I see
That I REALLY need to look at hat God will get out of the relationship
This summer I read A TONN of relationship books...godly relationships,
And the main message was this:
Keep God at the center of the relationship.
Be Christ- minded in the relationship
And really that made me look at all my friendships and say "what is God getting out of this"
Instead of
What can Cassidy get out of this. L
And really I encourage y'all to take a look at EVERY SINGLE relationship you have weather it be dating, friends, sisters....every one
And ask yourself.....what is God writing out of this?
And be honest.
This really built my relationships to be stronger and more Christ-based

unknown

wow. today was such a bad day.
the whole day i was in pain and VERY not happy...
usually i can push through anything and put on a happy face,
but today was DEFINIATELY not one of those days
I felt like crying a good portion of the day, and didn't want to be with anyone
except my best friend
i had to give a speech in english and i was shaking so bad...
i skipped breakfast and didn't eat enough lunch and drank little water
well when i sat down i felt a rush of pain through my head basically all the way down
it was terrible...
one class to go
study hall...my loudest, by far most obnixous class.
i had to do geometry homework, and really, that was the LAST thing I wanted to do
my head was NOT up for that.
thankfully, one of my friends was there to help me figure out this confusing math situation
and i got it done in no longer than 20 minutes.
then i basically sat through the class. talking to friends, listening to music, playing games
but my eyes kept watching that clock, calculating how many minutes this torture would go on
oy! buy my headache did NOT go away.
lately
people at school have been picking on me...and my best friend.
and saying mean, vulgar things...
i know i shouldn't be letting such silly things get to me,
but I'm not gonna lie
they totally get to me..a lot
and i pray..."God forgive them, for they know not what they are doing"
sometimes i say this aloud, or just in my heart.
but i mean it either way
i know these kids probably have nothing better to do, so they make fun of us...or say mean things
so i try and remember... they are not you...they don't have your life,
which, sometimes is hard.
i found myself yelling at my friends at lunch today because i was so angry.
but they know me and told me "Cassidy, just eat your goldfish"
haha
that shut me up real quick
well, a long walk home later,
i came home,
ate
and fell asleep on my "bed"
and from there i drifted in and out of sleep between texts, and chores
i was exhausted! all i want to do is take a warm shower and go to bed
thankfully i had no more homework to work on...
but knowing i have to face tomorrow with equal or greater pain is hard
i wish i didn't have this great pain
i wish i could go to school and not have to worry about not being able to get up from the floor during team building
or writing too much and i start to go numb
its funny,
i sound like an old grandma here....
but all this pain...its real
nothing really gets realer.
but knowing I have a God that can take away that pain
and replace it with amazing love.
that just KICKED the real pain's butt.
His real just got realest.
His love is amazing and steady.
and I have no idea how tomorrow will look
or what next year will look like
but i know that no matter what happens, my God is real
my God is forever
my God is PERFECT
wow.
how amazing right?
to know that through TERRIBLE, greif stricken pain...
God is there...fighting with me
my God is AWESOME!!!
man, the things He has done for me today, through the pain...the other kids....everything
HE is always at work! <3

Pins and Needles

So...
my neck and back pain have gotten really bad...
and if y'all know Jessica, you know her story. (see Jess' blog: www.generationstandup.blogspot.com
but I find myself relating myself to her pain more and more
each day
she has been having bad head pains,
well that's how bad mine have gotten...
every morning when i get to school I get this headache
and it feels like someone is sticking pins and needles in my head
and then it goes away in like 4 hours...its really weird!
but i just start praying that God would take the pain away
and by lunch its all gone,  which is good cuz lunch time with my friends
is something I value.

being at a public school..
you see pretty much everyone from every kind of walk of life
one girl at 14/15 was pregnant and lost her baby, and ended up in rehab
the one kid that smokes....you can smell it on him
the boy from my class is wearing eyeliner and tries to talk to me....
that girl has been with 12 different guys in the last week..
her parents just got a divorce.
his house just burned down in the fire...
you see everything...
people in different walks of life, and it really opens your eyes
personally, i am terrible at being quick to judge and looking down on people
because of their differences.
i have gotten better, but it still happens
but really, for me, its hard not to judge, because i have parents who raised me well
they don't tolerate drugs, or babies.....
but some of these kid's parents aren't even around
so they don't have someone to guide them and tell them what's right and wrong
and i can't even imagine what they have to go through each day
i have tried to have a big heart for these kids who don't know what right and wrong is
or if they do, but don't care
I have tried loving them and showing that what a girl OF GOD looks like
truly, I pray, that I get to these kids and show them what they SHOULD be doing
i'm not saying i'm perfect, but i am trying to follow the path of life God has for me
not one I made for myself
and that really makes me sad
is that these kids think they run their own lives,they have no regard for what God wants
what His plan is for them
they want what THEY want
and what THEIR plan is.
and this breaks my heart terribly.
and I remember that I should be able to sit on pins and needles,
and still be able to pray for them and know "God is working on them"
"He has a plan in their lives"
because, that could be me...
it could be my best friend...
it could be my sister....
but its them,
and God is working in miraculous ways!
pins and needles are the least of my worries.

Tons of pictures...

Stories of my summer and first days of school....don't ask about the squirrel....I killed it by running it over with a golf cart....

10,000 reasons

Today Jesus was defnitely good to me. I am just so thankful for everything he did...just today. I had little neck and back pain. And I got to be with my best friend and talk to him about a big issue that has come up, and I just have praised God for everything. During study hall today I was with Domonic and I brought my Bible out and had to do something for Bailey and Domonic kind of questioned me and asked what I was reading an I tried to ask if he wanted to learn about it...he didn't but I tried. But I'm not going to be one of those people that tries and shoves it down their thought and MAKES them believe in it...it takes time and this isn't something I can force...it takes love and patience.
I just can't even believe how good God has been to me! There are so many things I am thankful for!
I have been listening to the song "100000 reasons" and it just gives me so many blessings.
What really comes to mind when i hear this song is that "there are MORE than 10000 reasons I can praise God. And really that makes my day so much better.
I may be having a bad day... But look at how much God has done for me, and how much He has blessed me and given me all that I have. He has given me another day to live, another day with my best friend. And He never stops loving me.
10000 reasons.
Jesus is love
I have no reason to complain
He will heal
He will be enough
I am thankful.

Today is a new day

The other day I was in such bad neck pain. I had to leave the class and go to the bathroom so I could cry. I felt terrible.
See, I have this thing where I don't like to weigh people down with my problems,
So being me, I kept my mouth shut and didnt tell anyone I was hurting. So I just kept pushing through chronic pain.
We had an assembly after math and I couldn't even sit still I kept rubbing my neck and tried to relax.
Well it wasn't working.
But I kept my mouth shut.
So then it was time for lunch an I tried to be happy and hyper. And it worked. But then I went to team building and all the sudden I had NO energy and I was so tired !
We had to learn how to tie knots for belaying and I was so frustrated that I almost started crying. Then I turned into this complaining brat. Then one of my friends, Sydney said "what are 3 things Jesus has done for you today?"
And she reminded me "people have it way worse than you today,Hun"
And that motivated me to have a better attitude and to stop complaining g and I remembered Devin and started thanking God for everything He had done for me.
And I encourage y'all to remember this story next time you're complaining...think of 3 things God had done for you today.

Psalm 63:1-4

so i had some extra time before i run off again with friends
and so i decided to blog...
i really need to get better blogging! haha

Psalm 63:1-4
O God, you are my God earnestly I see you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you;
as in dry and weary land where there is no water.
So i have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is greater than life,
my lips will praise you.
so I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.

Wow that is just so amazing.
"You are my God, earnestly I seek you"
That says so much.
I EARNESTLY seek you<3
my soul THIRSTS for you
my flesh FAINTS for you.
guys, do you see what that says....we need him
without Him we have NOTHING.
We cry out for Him.
We long for Him.
everything comes down to this.
And i just start thinking...
what has God done for me that i haven't even asked Him for?
He loves me, when I DO NOT deserve it
He is just so good.
nothing is comparable to His love for us, you guys.
I can't begin to wrap my mind around it.
amazing love. how can it be.that You my King would die for me.

wow.
completly full of love tonight<3

HE WAS THERE...HE WAS!

suicide.
Devon.
blue.
hurt.
loss.
heartache.
questioning.
why.
God.
confused.
help.
pray.

a guy at school named Devon killed himself 2 days ago.
one of my friends, ...his sister knew him.
they went to his candlelight this evening.
and when they get home i get a text.
"Like I don't know. I am just sooo mad right now. I
understand that God's always there and He won't give you more than you can take
But I am just mad that stuff like this happens. That it makes me question is He really there for
everyone. And this is exactly why people don't believe  in Him. And I don't get it
It just makes me mad. Cuz obviously when someone kills themselves they have too much.
And God said he won't give us too much. but they felt it or it was  too much.
I just don't get it and it makes
me really mad"
This breaks my heart
ya'll....
you don't understand how much
my heart broke
reading this terrible message.
I just have tried to be loving, and show him really..
GOD WAS THERE!
HE DOES HAVE A PLAN
I sent him scripture, sent him encouragement, and love.
and he won't accept that.
its sooooo hard, you guys, for me to read
his hurting words.
he is SO frustrated.
SO mad!
and to be completly honest,
its making ME frustrated and mad that he won't accept that Jesus knows!
Jesus IS enough!
i can't find a way to make him grasp this! and to accept the face
that Jesus has a PERFECT AMAZING plan, and that through the pain,
HE is at work, He is still forming His plan.
but can you imagine?
After loosing someone you knew...
to suicide.
I think the reason why people kill themselves is because they don't trust God
that He has a plan, and that He is still at work.
not because God gives them "too much" God says in the Bible...that He will not give us more than we can handle.
and really, its hard to see and hear about suicides, because it shows
COMPLETE DISTRUST in Jesus Christ.
when you kill yourself you are saying
"I don't trust Him ENOUGH to get me out of this pit."
but He HIMSELF tells us "I WILL GET YOU OUT OF THIS SLIMLY PIT, OUT OF THE MUD AND MIRE"
does it NOT say there He will get us out of the pit?!
Does is NOT say that there?!?
Its so hard for me to try and deal with him  when He is questioning God at such a high point
suicide is hard, yes, but WE STILL HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT JESUS IS THERE
WAS THERE
WILL ALWAYS BE THERE
NO MATTER WHAT!!!
HE HAS A PLAN
HE HAD A PLAN
HE IS FULFILLING THAT PLAN!!!!!
what can we doubt about that?
He said in the Bible "no eye has seen, nor ear has heard, nor mind has concieved, what God has in store for those who love Him."
and THAT IS LOVE!
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS PLAN WAS.
BUT WE KNOW WE LOVE HIM AND THAT HE
HAS A PLAN!!!
we CANNOT question that!!!!!!!
we CANNOT quesiton HIM!!!!
It is so CLEARLY written ALL OVER the Bible
" I will NEVER leave you"
"I will NOT forsake you!"
"When the waters rise, and the earth trembles, I WILL be WITH YOU!!!!"
suicide.
plan.
Jesus is enough.
pray.

PRAY for Devon's family.

pray for me....
pray!!!!
GOD HAS A PLAN!!!!!! HE WILL FULFILL IT!!!!!!!<3